Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

Essential thinking for reading Catholics.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It might go something like this...

I'm visualizing the scene between a fictitious Wayward Catholic Politician (we'll call him Mayor Quimby) and his fictitious local ordinary, who also happens to be a friend of the WCP as well as a bit wobbly on doctrine his own self.

[phone rings]

Mayor: Hello, this is the Mayor.

Bishop: Mayor Quimby, these fundamentalist loons are driving me mental.

Mayor: Me too. Thought we had driven them all out.

Bishop: Me too. Anyway, they have their skivvies in a knot over your remarks at the "Swingers Have Rights, Too!" rally.

Mayor: Oh, for crying out loud! What now?

Bishop: Among other things they think it's inappropriate for a Catholic public figure to be at a rally where people were chanting "Yes We Can! If we take Cialis!"

Mayor: Well, *I* didn't chant that! And it wasn't MY idea to paint the Goodyear blimp in that fleshtone...

Bishop: Still, they object to you, as a Catholic and elected official saying that marriage shouldn't exclude a man and a woman and another woman "especially if..." wait, I need my glasses... "if she's, like, smokin' hot."

Mayor: But, see, this is where these Falwell Catholics fall apart...most of them are NOT smoking hot. They're just frumpy ol' house...

Bishop: Still, they're breathing down my collar. One day someone in Rome might take a glance this way and, y'know, get the, er, wrong idea.

Mayor: So?

Bishop: So, as your bishop, they say I'm supposed to do something.

Mayor: Like?

Bishop: Wait. I had the manual right here. Criminy it's dusty [coughing fit]. Okay. I'm supposed to make sure you have fitness to receive Communion.

Mayor: I did that when I was seven.

Bishop: I mean when you attend Mass.

Mayor: Oh! No big. I mean, when do I attend Mass?

Bishop: Good point, but I don't think that will calm down these Almost Evangelicals. I have to make sure you are fit for Communion.

Mayor: And if I'm not?

Bishop: That's what we're here to explore.

Mayor: How?

Bishop: Well, first I have to make really, totally double-dog sure you fully understand the Church's teaching on wife-swapping parties. Then if you still say things these guys say are wrong, I have to admonish you, and then after THAT I have to warn you that you are not in position to receive Communion.

Mayor: So you're admonishing me?

Bishop: Heavens, no! [to someone in the office] Thanks, that's lovely...Muriel, could I get more sugar? Thanks. [back] Sorry.

Mayor: So if you're not admonishing me...

Bishop: Oh, we're not anywhere near that yet. I'm calling to set up an appointment to explain to you, fully, the Church's teaching on orgies.

Mayor: Um, 'kay. When is good for you?

Bishop: Let's see...[mumbles to someone in the office] okay...how's the 22nd?

Mayor: No can do. I'm going to ask for a federal bailout on the 22nd. The 24th?

Bishop: I have a "Quench The Thristy!" rally and Mass at the Stadium. I tell you, I found these chrome-y looking plastic pitchers and wineglasses, so when these guys see this on YouTube they'll never notice...

Mayor: How about the 25th?

Bishop: That's Christmas. [longish pause] The Holiday, Larry...work with me here.

Mayor: Oh. Sorry.

Bishop: It is my busiest workday. Lunch on the 26th?

Mayor: OK, but a late lunch.

Bishop: Fine, good. Y'know my Anglican friend, Bishop Jefferts-Schori calls the 26th Boxing Day.

Mayor: [distractedly talking to someone off-phone] Pardon me, Bishop?

Bishop: "God, the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of his Son has reconciled the world to himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins; through the ministry of the Church may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." [chuckles paternally] You see, Larry, sometimes the Spirit DOES guide us!

Mayor: That was easy!

Bishop: See you Sunday.